Disconnected

Disconnected. The plane landed, and suddenly my world came down crashing. Everything stopped. Time no longer made sense. It felt calm, peaceful. No pressure, no questions. I was tired, exhausted to emptiness. Yet again, feeling nothing.

Disconnected. There was nothing waiting for me behind those doors. Just a big, empty, cold room. I lay down on the floor, motionless for hours. What was even the point? Pushing myself to the limit, trying to fill the void filling my life. Killing myself to fill (feel) those empty pixels, while burning down everything else.

Disconnected. Disconnected from everyone, disconnected from myself. Disconnected from my heart, disconnected from my feelings. Disconnected from reality, I abandoned myself. I let go and I let in. And the sadness finally permeated that void.

Disconnected. 2023 has been a journey to learn how to disconnect and reconnect. In a journey of healing and patience, learning how to respect myself and my practice. Like learning how to walk for the first time, I learned how to feel. And those feelings finally filled that void.

Disconnected. Like technology, I needed a hard reboot. To be forced to face the many things I escaped from all my life. To fall in love again with my practice, this time in a healthy and conscious way. To accept that it’s ok to be disconnected if you remain connected to what really matters.